I found out that after all this time. I have been lying to myself saying that responsibilities aren’t real. My saying used to be “There are just certain things you need to do”. Little did I know, that this is the reason I have not been able to fulfill any of my life goals. I am choosing to remain in this bubble thinking that something will come along for me to do.
You can see how this stunted my growth. Plus, since I choose not to accept responsibilities for what they really are. I have not been able to accept mistakes as something that is caused by actions. I thought they were more caused from the circumstances involved. It wasn’t the bed bugs that ruined my relationship. It was my carelessness and refusal to believe that my mistakes can cause a strain on our relationship.
Mistakes caused by own lack of judgement which make me depressed not because of the mistake itself. However for what the mistake meant to me. A terrible lack of judgment on my part. That I actually was wrong. That I am not as smart as I thought I was. I blamed and blamed. I felt sorry for myself plenty of times. I accepted that I am not a perfect person but what I haven’t accepted is that I am flawed human being. I know that things are out of my control.
I accept responsibilities now. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. No longer will I cry. That does not mean I will not allow me to feel those grieving emotions. I will not pretend to be a leader when in reality I was just a con-man. The scam is over. I have been caught red-handed and sent to prison. I accept this sentence.
Prepare yourself because once I get out of this hell. I will be the person that will truly make his children proud. I will be the person that makes his family proud to share the last name as mine. Most importantly I will make you proud.
Not for accomplishing the goals that I want to achieve because those are my selfish desires. No, I will make you proud because this is the man that you fell in love with. This is the person that you believed in for so long.
I, make this declaration for the child inside me who I always wanted to make proud. When in reality, I am proud of him for fighting this long. I am proud that he tried. I am proud of his efforts. I validate my inner child and understand that he is just a child. He doesn’t know any better. I am proud of you. I am proud of myself.
No longer, will I allow myself to be consumed by these negative emotions caused by unnecessary disappointment from myself. My inner child supports me and all this time I thought he would hate me. From now on, I will give unconditional love to myself and I can’t believe that I haven’t done it sooner.
I am responsible for everything that has happened to me and I wouldn’t want it any other way. If the journey was easy then it wouldn’t be fulfilling and this is the start.
Be ready because when I come back again, who knows if you’ll even recognized me. When I call your name again, you’ll know that I don’t want a do-over. I want us to write the best final chapters of our story because there won’t ever be another story like us again.